BLOGGAS BE TYPIN

Le Batard at length. Courtesy of The Starting Five

A-Rod and strippers of the she-male muscular variety. Courtesy of Deadspin

DP tells the story of a real life Transformer. Courtesy of Dallas Penn

The joy of watching a team self-destruct. Courtesy of Larry Brown Sports

Where do the Celtics go from here? Courtesy of The Big Lead

Rampage Jackson: UFC’s answer to Borat. Courtesy of With Leather

Fantasy Baseball Mistress hook-ups. Courtesy of Babes Love Baseball

Some team name suggestions for the new football league. Courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber

Some J’s and a note can buy you a ’94 Taurus. Courtesy of Bots, Bongs, and Bay’tin

The All Over and Under Paid baseball teams. Courtesy of Yahoo Sports

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KOBE BRYANT, FUNCRUSHER

We all have a buddy or know somebody that has to one-up you no matter the occasion. You can mention something great, “hey I got a new job today” and they’ll come back with “I got a promotion and a 50k raise”. You could be discussing a tragedy, “I was just watching the news about that plane crash” and he’ll hit you with “I’ve seen two plane crashes live and I survived a shipwreck”.. Whether you call ’em Parade Pissers, Spotlight Stealers, or Attention Whores, you get the point. These people hate to see others shine.

 I wasn’t gonna write anything else about Kobe until something real happened… A trade, a free agent signing, Kobe storming the Laker offices, anything. His wishy-washy, “trade me, don’t trade me” media circuit has worn me out, even if I enjoyed it briefly. When the interview carousel stopped my thoughts turned toward Kobe being a classic One-Upper. If there’s an event that Kobe can outshine, you better believe he’s gonna try.

December 20, 2005: Scores 62 points the day that the Yankees signed Johnny Damon away from the Red Sox.

January 22, 2006: Kobe scores 81 points against Toronto on the same day that the Steelers defeated the Broncos and the Seahawks defeated the Panthers in the NFL Conference Championships.

December 29, 2006 and December 31, 2006: Kobe scores 58 and 35 (only 2 free throw attempts)..The final weekend of the NFL season.

March 16, 2007 through April 3, 2007: Kobe scores 65, 50, 60, 50, 43, 23(7-26), 53, 19(6-14), and 39. The NCAA tournament started on March 15 and ended April 2nd, and MLB had it’s opening days April 1-3.

April 6, 2007 and April 8, 2007: 24 drops 46 and 34 on The Masters which took place April 5-8. Kobe didn’t break 40 on the 8th for lack of trying. He was 14-25 from the field, but 1-5 from 3 and only got to the line 5 times.

May 26, 2007-May 30, 2007: Kobe starts the trade demands and calls them off. Then starts them again then calls them off all while the NBA Conference Finals, Indy 500, and Stanley Cup Finals are taking place.

It could be something, it’s probably nothing, but if any of you are planning to get married, graduate from college, or just have a birthday party, don’t let Kobe find out.. He’ll do anything in his power to make sure his day is better than yours.

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COCKTAILS AND TAILGATING

Alcohol.. It’s like steroids for hecklers and there’s no better place for fans to juice up than right in the parking lot. A lot of food, plenty of drank, and a video camera are all that you need for a successful tailgate.

Jacksonville Jaguars fans like to kickoff the festivities with some beverages, a fire, and two chicks wrestling a dude.

 People drink in Philly? Which is more of a dead giveaway that this video is early in the season: one guy screaming that the Phils will dominate the NL East or the dude being excited about Brett Myers?

Penn State alumni having a good time. Keep this up and we’ll be seeing the likes of Blair Thomas and Mike McQueary cleaning up outside the stadium.

NASCAR fans gettin loose:

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HIP HOP AND IT’S NBA COUNTERPARTS

Jay-Z/Michael Jordan: Jay donned himself the MJ of rap and everybody rolled with it. Both are considered by many to be the greatest to ever do it in their fields.. although Jay and MJ came out of retirement with performances that made us wish they had stayed away. Whether its Tupac/Biggie/Rakim or Magic/Bird/Wilt, somebody will use one of those names in an argument against Sean Carter or Michael Jordan. They’re similar all the way down to their work ethic and figure head positions.

Dr. Dre/Phil Jackson: If you’re having a problem getting your project or your team to the next level these are the guys you want to call. Phil Jax has the rings, Dre has the plaques. Lately, neither has shown a sense of urgency about current projects, and will let cats sit on the bench for no given reason.

 Eminem/Larry Bird: White guys that dominated the “Brothas Game”. If Bird was a teenager today he’d be listening to Em’s “Lose Yourself” on his mp3 player while warming up before some AAU tournament.. Their forays into the front office have brought mixed results. Both lost a close teammate recently.

Young Buck/Stephen Jackson: Neither are superstars but they’re valuable parts on a team.. Opponents get nervous just thinking about ’em. They will both have your back in a scrap no questions asked, and both show glimpses of greatness that they can’t reach consistently.

Ice Cube/Doctor J: They took an element of their fields and raised it to new heights.. Gangsta rap and the dunk contest are boring now, but their contributions will always be remembered. They get mentioned in top ten lists and occasionally somebody will call them the greatest ever. Does a parallel between the ABA and the late 80s West Coast rap scene work?

Dame Dash/Isiah Thomas: They were critical parts of great teams in the past. Their independent ventures are unsuccessful whether it’s a league or a record label.. Both would get 85 cents back on change for a dollar, but somehow always land on their feet.

50 Cent/Kobe Bryant: Kobe’s balling skills are 100 times better than 50’s rapping skills, but that’s not the comparison I’m making. They’re the two most polarizing people in their professions. Hate ’em or Love ’em you can’t deny Kobe’s hoop game or 50’s business game. You never have to wait long to hear their names in the news, and they both go for 50 every night.

Here’s a few outside of the NBA…

Ras Kass/Ken Griffey Jr: Two dudes that seemed like mortal locks to be in the greatest of all time argument. Both are still decent but neither was able to maximize their potential. You have to worry if they’ll get hurt or hurt themselves when they walk outside.

DMX/Mike Tyson: Drugs, jail and wildin out. Check, check and check. Both exploded onto the scene. Both imploded when they reached the top and eventually went to Arizona to chill out. You shouldn’t let either of the two borrow your car.

LL Cool J/Brett Favre: Their contributions to the game have to be recognized but LL and Brett are currently over staying their welcome. Aside from padding their numbers, neither has any business performing anymore.

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KOBE SPEAKS, LAYS GROUNDWORK FOR L.A. EXODUS

The will Kobe go, will Kobe stay talks continue. I wrote a post some time ago where I quoted Stephen A. Smith talking about Kobe Bryant’s feelings towards the Lakers “He has absolutely no problem leaving if the Los Angeles Lakers, specifically owner Jerry Buss doesn’t get his act together. Do not be surprised at all if this stuff continues if Kobe Bryant some time around next year is asking to be traded.”

Ric Bucher reported that Kobe said he would demand a trade if Jerry West wasn’t brought back to L.A… A report that Kobe quickly denied. Well, now “Bean” is sounding off on his website:

Was up again, y’all. I saw an article this AM in the LA Timeswhich said a Lakers’ “insider” noted that my wanting to “get away from Shaq” is what created this whole “mess” the Laker’s currently find themselves in. Man, hearing something like that, which is not true, and which comes from the “inside” is totally frustrating. The fact of the matter is that many people don’t know what really went down when I was approaching free agency because I have stayed quiet about it this whole time. The real facts are that Dr. Buss requested a meeting with me during the 04 season long before I opted out of my contract, and he told me he had already decided to not extend Shaq, as he was concerned about Shaq’s age, fitness and contract demands. Dr. Buss thought it was best for the Lakers to make a trade to get value for Shaq while they could.

Kobe goes on to say:

“when stuff like this is coming from the “inside” all I can do is hope that someone from the “inside” comes forward to support me and set straight the facts of what really happened.” 

You can read all of Kobe’s post here, including yesterday’s entry about not wanting to be traded…KB24 can claim that he doesn’t want to be traded or he’s a Laker for life, but his words seem to say otherwise. I doubt that Ric Bucher made up the Kobe quotes so there’s the first hint. His beef with “the insider” is just another part of the “I want to be traded” foundation, but the biggest hint, the best clue, is when Kobe said

 “Dr. Buss called me from his Vacation in Italy on the eve of my decision and promised me that the Lakers would do everything to build a contender NOW. I told him at that time that my fear was the Lakers waiting to save Cap Room to sign a top notch free agent in 3 or 4 years, so that was why I was leaning towards other teams like the Clips and Bulls, both of who had a cast of good young players.”

If you don’t understand what he’s saying allow me to translate: “Dr. Buss said he was gonna get some real players in here and I believed him, but now, have you seen this @#$% roster? Get me the hell outta here.”

I find it hard to believe that this current Laker regime wants to go down in history for losing Shaq and Kobe. Kobe’s recent outbursts are his way of trying to force the team to do something big… If they can’t get Jerry West back in the fold they need to try to pull off a Jerry West type of deal. You know, try to fleece a team in a trade, land a GOOD free agent, make something happen, make the team relevant. If not, we’ll be hearing Kobe’s (non) trade demands all of next season.

**YBB UPDATE**

Kobe spoke to John Ireland and Steve Mason from The Big Show on ESPN 710 in Los Angeles. The interview is 15 minutes long and Kobe discusses his feelings towards the Lakers organization, the Ric Bucher article, and the Lakes failure to sign Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer, and Ron Artest. Listen here

Kobe spoke to Petros Papadakis and Matt “Money” Smith from PMS on AM570 in Los Angeles. The interview is 23 minutes long and covers a lot of the same topics as the first interview. Kobe comes across more frustrated in this conversation. He’s not only talking hoops as he covers the Wiggles, Barney, and his daughter dancing like Shakira.  Listen here

Again, Kobe can say he’s not demanding a trade but if you listen to what he’s saying it sounds like the Lakers are one misstep away from losing #24.

All of the “Kobe demanding a trade” talk is apparently taking its toll on Lakers’ owner Jerry Buss. Jerry Buss arrested on suspicion of DUI courtesy of the L.A. Times

**END UPDATE**

Kobe wants West to return to Lakers with full authority. Courtesy of ESPN.com

Kobe says he’s just suggesting West’s return, not demanding it. Courtesy of ESPN.com

The Truth: Lakers “insiders” all wrong. Courtesy of KB 24

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NFL RUNNING BACKS KNOW THEIR OWN STATS

Most of the athletes I’ve ever met can tell you all of their stats from damn near any game they ever played. Needless to say, I’ve never met Fred Taylor.. I found it incredibly fitting that the backs from the “U” were very up to date on themselves. Oh and Clinton, you’re a millionaire getting free shit, were you serious when you asked “you sure I can’t get two of these?”

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MARINERS TO REACTIVATE JULIO MATEO

Julio Mateo will be back on the diamond for the Mariners’ triple A team in Tacoma on Friday. The reliever was suspended for 10 days and sent down to the minors after an altercation with his wife left her with stitches in her lip. Mateo wants to put the events of May 5th behind him.

“I am very happy to be back. I am very excited to be getting a second opportunity. I haven’t killed anybody. I don’t sell drugs. I’ve never done anything like that. I am proud to have a second opportunity.”

Mateo, speaking through an interpreter, also said:

“The situation in New York is an unfortunate situation between my wife and I. It’s one of those things that no one will know except for my wife and I.”

I’m pretty sure the courts will know too since Mateo has a June 15 hearing in Manhattan regarding the third degree assault charges. The Mariners don’t know when, if ever, they will bring Julio back to the bigs. The team wants to wait and see what the fan reaction will be to Mateo in the minors.

It’s important to have all of the details before passing judgement, but if Mateo is found guilty of assaulting his wife he has to be given another suspension. He shouldn’t be out for the year but 15-20 games without pay will send a nice message.

Mariners’ Mateo “proud” of second chance following domestic assault arrest. Courtesy of Slam! Sports

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MIKE WILLIAMS IS READY FOR THE RAIDERS

Mike Williams is known more for his attempt at entering the NFL as a sophomore than for his actual NFL career. In two long seasons, Williams has amassed 37 catches for 449 yards, and two touchdowns. Not quite the numbers you would expect from a 10th overall draft pick.

There are a few factors that should be considered when talking about Mike’s slow start. Detroit drafted Williams in 2005 after having drafted receivers in the first round the two years prior, the team offense underwent a major makeover when Mike Martz joined the coaching staff in 2006, and he was playing for the Lions.

Williams was considered one of college football’s most dominate receivers when he was at USC. The naysayers would claim that he was the benefactor of playing with an all-star team, but I’d say he was a beast. His size and strength had NFL scouts drooling even if they questioned his speed. Once he made it to the league, Mike says there were other concerns about him.

“For some reason, I was labeled fat, lazy … a pot smoker. And that was the farthest thing from it. I really feel like, as far as the weight part of it, I was put in a position that since they didn’t have a plan for me, they could say, Well, because he doesn’t weigh 220, he’s not in shape to play … ‘ “

I won’t say that he’s in the best situation now, a sort of make or break season with a rookie quarterback and suspect offensive line, but he has to be feeling better than he did in Detroit. He gets to play for a guy he’s familiar with in Raiders head coach and former SC assistant Lane Kiffin, and he has the chance to prove that he wants to and can make it in the NFL. He should be comfortable and motivated which provides a perfect storm for rejuvenation.

Kiffin gives WR a do over. Thank you Sacramento Bee

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BLOGGAS BE TYPIN

All you ever wanted to know about a woman making love to a Red Sox fan. Courtesy of Ladies Dot Dot Dot

Taking a look at ESPN’s new football blog. Courtesy of The Big Lead

Roger Goodell prefers bitches to women. Courtesy of Leave The Man Alone

Joe Budden says Nas is right..Hip Hop is dead. Courtesy of XXL

Is the end near for Curt Schilling? Courtesy of the WBRS Sports Blog

Retro gear galore… If you’re in NY. Courtesy of Dallas Penn

Paris Hilton played high school hockey? Yeah right.. Courtesy of With Leather

Jim Jones and Cam are cool again? I can’t keep up. Courtesy of SOHH

Let’s all pray that there’s no video of Michael Vick doing this. Courtesy of Awful Announcing

Bill Simmons hasn’t off’d himself yet..Give it a week. Courtesy of ESPN.com

WHITE COMEDIAN SAYS NFL PLAYERS ACT LIKE THE “N” WORD

Mickey Cucchiella is a clown. He thinks he’s a comedian but trust me, he’s a clown. Check out this video from his routine about the appropriate time to call black people niggers. It’s in the last minute of the clip.

Before you start saying “but H.G., there’s black people in the audience and they’re laughing” lemme tell you something… Those people are ignorant. The phrase “acting like a nigger” isn’t comedy. That’s racism. Damn.. A racist that’s not funny. Who could have imagined? And he wonders why he can’t pull a black woman… 

Don’t get me wrong. I love racial humor, and I think pushing the racial envelope is one of the most challenging choices a comedian can make. I just expect the humor to actually, you know, be funny. Take it away Sarah….

I originally learned about the Mickey Cucchiella “joke” from Larry Brown Sports

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